Madonna: Hard Candy (based on 30 second preview clips)

Madonna’s much maligned Hard Candy reviewed track-by-track based on 30 second iTunes previews.

Candy Shop: Sounds kinda like a mash-up between Vogue and a Prince song.

4 Minutes (feat Justin Timberlake): Sounds like a mash-up of Sexyback and a Michael Jackson song. And compressed into the red to the point of lacking any dynamics. This will be the most hated ringtone of 2008.

Give It 2 Me: People who are not Prince have got to stop using “2″ in song titles.The same goes for “U”. This kind of sounds like Vengaboys. A really annoying staccato fuzzy synth line. This song kind of made me want to murder someone in 30 seconds.

Heartbeat: The beat in this song is compressed to the point of being unlistenable. I think this album was designed to be listened to as ringtones. This song isn’t so bad and doesn’t sound quite as much like a low-rent mash-up of past, better Madonna singles. Might sound a bit like Kylie, actually.

Miles Away: Sounds like Kylie song, vaguely Pet Shop Boysish. Again with the beat being way in the redzone on a song that doesn’t suit it. Finding myself liking this one.

She’s Not Me: Sounds like a mash up of Blondie’s Rapture and any Britney track. Only not as good as either. The lyrics are terrible. Strangely makes me think of Miami Vice.

Incredible: An 80′s teen movie ballad with Max Headroom vocals and a distracting crunkish beat. Had to listen to it several times to believe.

Beat Goes On (feat. Kanye West): Forgettable. Chimes are nice. Strangely dated house keyboard vamp.

Dance 2nite: Similar, in a way, to Kylie’s All I See but nowhere near as good in concept or execution. Also that terrible use of the number 2 in the title.

Spanish Lesson: Music sounds fucked up and the lyrics make Madge sound like she’s molesting her children. Baffling.

Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You: Sounds vaguely like a techno nod to Like a Prayer in the chord progression or something. Mediocre.

Voices: ABBA harmonies and cheesy psychedelic/bollywood strings. Oh and that unlistenable distorted drum sound that’s been all over this album.